Meatless Rats

It's fine it's fine it's safe it's fine

Before we begin, here’s a dramatic re-enactment of Hallie cooking today’s recipe:

---

Meatless Rats

By: Hallie Koontz

Just don’t make these. Like, they’re edible, which is more than I can say for the dead rat Elee pulled out of her hat that one time, but they’re just . . . not worth it.

I mean, I’ll tell you how to make them, but I’m just warning you now: you’ve got better things to spend your time on.

ELEE
No, I have food.

XOC
You have food?

EMILY
Elee reaches into her hat, and by the tail, pulls out a large rat.

ARI
Gross.

EMILY
It’s dead. It’s dead.

KYLE
It’s been dead for a very long time.

EMILY
Too long.

-Ep. 1: Turingtown, Part 1

These are called meatless rats because they’re tiny little meatloaves made in a muffin tin, but instead of ground beef, I used a meat substitute (the Good & Gather brand). Below is everything you need to make these bad little meatloaves, except for eggs and the French Fried onions I used later, because I forgot to get them out of my fridge/pantry for the pic.

As usual, I based my version on previous recipes because I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m sure those original recipes are much better:

Mini Meatloaves

Easy Meatloaf Muffins

Because my goal was to make cute little rats, I didn’t want to use a classic ketchup glaze. I just thought the red on top of a fake rat was going to gross me out. But there needed to be some kind of sauce, so I used the Target brand BBQ sauce, Thousand-Island dressing, and also dill mustard I got from IKEA.

My other substitutions/modifications include: panko for bread crumbs; rosemary for thyme; and significantly less of the meat product because the Good & Gather stuff only comes in 12-oz packages instead of the 16 oz used by both recipes.

You may be wondering at this point: why did I choose to use a plant-based substitute instead of meat? Good question.

I’m not vegetarian, but I do my best to have meatless days, and so I don’t buy a lot of meat for cooking at home. I just feel like there have been too many times I changed my meal plans and then don’t cook the meat on time, and there’s a more forgiving shelf life with plant-based substitutes. Also, it’s on sale at Target a lot.

And sometimes having a relatively meatless fridge is a benefit to me, like when a tornado comes ripping through the Midwest and takes my power with it for 7+ hours and I have to get rid of all my meat and dairy products because my pathetic fridge needs “electricity” to work.

But other times, I end up making meatless rats that suck, so.

If YOU want to make meatless rats that suck, first step: saute your onion in some garlic and oil (garlic also not in original picture). The onion should be soft and translucent so it makes the little meatloaf soft, apparently. I considered using raw onion, but I guess that makes it hard for the meat to bind around.

In the meantime I started mixing everything else in my little mixin’ bowl. Here’s a picture of the fake meat product looking real bad:

I added the panko and the spices.

Note on the spices: the original recipes call for like, half a teaspoon. But I went FULL teaspoons on these suckers because I wanted to go balls to the wall. And then I beat an egg in a little bowl and added it to the mixture. I’m not sure why I thought beating the egg was going to make it bind better, but I’m sure I had some reason.

Once the onion was done, I added it to the bowl and mixed it all up.

Then I prepped both of my muffin tins by spraying with cooking oil because I couldn’t find the little paper muffin cups I know I have. Also, this is my roommate’s cooking oil because I didn’t have any of the spray kind. Sorry, Emily.

A fun fact about these muffin tins is that I only needed one of them. After dividing, all the mix fit pretty nicely into one collection of six, so I had to wash an extra pan I didn’t even need.

I baked these little guys at 350°F for 20 minutes.

They did not look good when I took them out of the oven—like, some of them were crisping, but one of them looked pink in the middle even though this isn’t real meat?

I never should have made these.

I also could have made, like, a real glaze, but this is my first attempt, so I just used the store-bought sauces I mentioned earlier with absolutely no mixing done. I just squirted them all on there and stuck ‘em back in for 15 more minutes (adjusted from the 10 recommended by other recipes because I didn’t like the pink).

And then we get to my attempt (?) to decorate. I thought I was so clever using French Fried onions as the tail and the eyes and it would be cute without being gross. However, I am not talented nor am I patient nor am I graceful, so I lacked the finesse to really go for the design here. Also, I was starving and just wanted to eat (there are hamburger buns here because I wanted to make them little sandwiches).

Also also: the French Fried onions are more broken than I remember? I guess I thought I’d get more sticks than crumbs, but there were very few useful sticks. That’s good for the eyes, or it would be if they looked like eyes at all, which they don’t. Maybe I should use, like . . . I don’t even know. All I can think of is raisins. And I don’t want that.

So. The spices were a mistake. The full teaspoon of oregano I added was SO overpowering. Why didn’t I do a half or even a fourth of a teaspoon? I am far too brave and foolhardy. The spices were so overpowering to the point that the sauce barely made a difference. Thousand Island was the worst (it just didn’t go well with the taste of the vegan meat), and the IKEA mustard and BBQ sauce somehow tasted mostly the same unless you got a big glob of BBQ sauce in a bite. (Side note: I was very impressed with the Market Pantry Sweet & Spicy BBQ sauce. If nothing else at least I have a bottle of that now.)

Anyway, they sucked but were at least edible, and they reheated surprisingly well (in a toaster oven, not a microwave). When I ate the remaining three the next day, they tasted better, but not to the point that I was, like, happy about it.

Here’s the info if you want to make these. But . . . don’t.

The Actual Recipe

Prep Time: Like 15 minutes?
Cook Time: 35 minutes, divided (25 + 15)
Servings: 6 little meatless meatloaf muffins
Calories per serving: 1 little meatloaf should be about 200 calories

Ingredients

The meatless muffins

• Plant-based meat (12 oz/340 g)

• Egg

• Panko (1/2 cup; 113 g)

• Half an onion

• Oregano (1 tsp/ 6 g)

• Thyme (1 tsp/6 g)

• A handful of French Fried onions, for a pathetic garnish, if you want

The sauces

• Just bottles. BBQ sauce, Thousand Island, dill mustard. You do you.

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F/176°C.

2. Saute the onion for a few minutes until it’s soft and translucent.

3. Mix the “meat,” (beaten) egg, panko, and spices in a mixing bowl; add the onions once finished.

4. Divide the mix into muffin tins sprayed with cooking oil.

5. Bake the loaves for 20 minutes, then add sauce of your choosing.

6. Bake 15 minutes more.

7. Wonder whether this was worth the time.