Hatdags

All the flavor of a hot dog, 3x the effort

I make one recipe three different times. None of them are particularly good. This post is not for the faint of heart.

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HATDAGS: 3 WAYS

By: Kyle Decker

When Hallie and I fail to communicate, LORE happens. In this case, even though I renamed hot dogs “hot hounds” in the first episode of Flashback Future, they were re-renamed into hatdags during the Cookie Crew. I ended up retconning this into a regional difference, where hatdags went by three names: hot hound, hatdag, and JET.CO Food Tube.

Olivia
Hatdags. Oh yeah, these are Ballperk.

Hallie
Ballpark hatdags.

Olivia
BallPERK.

Hallie
Ballperk hatdags!

Olivia
These’re Ballperk hatdags.

Hallie
Madeline will pipe up and be like.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Ugh, Ballperk hatdags are my favorite.

-The Cookie Crew, Part 1

This is a hot dog.

We could’ve stopped here. We SHOULD HAVE stopped here.

But we’re not making hot dogs. We’re making hatdags.

Add your hot dog blend to a Go-Gurt style tube, and congrats! You’ve made a JET.CO Food Tube.

It sure is food in a tube.

Once I finished this masterpiece, it was on to the other two variants. Hot hound sounded like a classier version of hot dog, and what’s a classier version of a hot dog? A meatball hoagie. Meanwhile, hatdags originate from the cookie-loving kingdom of Ancuan, so I initially considered making mincemeat cookies. But then I realized that (1) mincemeat doesn’t actually have meat in it, and (2) turning a savory thing sweet was a mistake I’ve already made. So I decided to make sliders, instead.

Which means it’s time to shred up some more hotdogs! Just the meat this time, though.

I feel like this GIF needs to be marked NSFW.

It honestly doesn’t look too bad, if you ignore the hot dog smell.

I then added some egg and breadcrumbs, turned my new dogball mixture into mini meatballs and slider patties, and started grilling.

Honestly, the fact that these kept together at all is a miracle.

I then re-added the buns, pickles, mustard, and onion, and I ended up with two pretty good-looking hot dog variants.

You could convince yourself that the hot hounds are an actual recipe.

But don’t let this optimism fool you. One daunting, terrible task remained: the taste test.

For those who didn’t watch the video: first, I don’t blame you. Second, the JET.CO Food Tube was good for a nibble (but nothing more), the hatdag had too much pickle, and the hot hound was a bit too soft, but it had a nice extra char compared to a regular hot dog. I actually ate the hot hound for dinner. But only one of them. I couldn’t stomach both.

As much as I’ve been making fun of myself, I actually really like how these hatdag variants turned out. I was able to take the core ingredients of a hot dog and re-assemble them into different forms, each of which had unique strengths and drawbacks. Sure, it’s more effort than an actual hot dog, but isn’t that what America’s Quest Kitchen is all about?

My beautiful, beautiful boys.

The Actual Recipe

Prep Time: A hot dog + 5-10 minutes
Cook Time: 0-15 minutes

Ingredients

• Hot dogs

• Hot dog buns

• Pickles

• Onions

• Mustard

• An egg

• Some bread crumbs

Directions

Hatdag

1. Grind up some hotdogs in the food processor

2. Mix the ground hot dog with a beaten egg and some breadcrumbs

3. Form the ground dog mixture into patties

4. Grill

5. Separate the hot dog buns in half so that they more closely resemble hamburger buns

6. Assemble & enjoy!

Hot Hound

1. Grind up some hotdogs in the food processor

2. Mix the ground hot dog with a beaten egg and some breadcrumbs

3. Form the ground dog mixture into small meatballs

4. Grill

5. Assemble & enjoy!

JET.CO Food Tube

1. Cook a hot dog

2. Grind up the hot dog into paste

3. Put the paste in a plastic bag

4. Enjoy?